I failed again , I am sad , almost cyying , the tears are almost, i avoided crying from yesterday but its coming to be again. I have lost it again . I have cold from last week , I dont know how many days it is from the end of the year , I have lost the functionality i had coded for that as well. this is last week this is this week I am feeling this majorly becuase yet again i have done the thing that gives me meaning and yet strips it away leaving me behind with nothing else than grief and misconduct. I watched Shogun . the 2024 series , completed it yesterday , and have not being feeling the same since - i know this would pass but this feeling i cant take it anymore but not cant i avoid it , this feeling of being in a world for the world to fall apart and end . Should i just not watch movies and shows and games , if its going to leave me in grief everytime then what can i do.

there were 10 episodes and last 2 episodes really triggered it , i though i would just watch this show called shogun while i am sick , what a fun what did i even expect i should just stop consuming serious media and just watch youtubne and keep on grinding till i die at 40. But these media , they take that away from me they they take my purpose away for few days few weeks few months even . I dont know they keep me think about the things that requires ignorance . I am tired of it . I dont know what i wnat anymore for some time atleast.

I am writing this a daily note and i think this should be more thatn that. probably i am going to put int he main section , though i still havent decided the title for it.

Death can also have meaning

Mariko sama in shogun dies at ep 9 , she and many of the chanracters in the show or atleast japanese at those times belives death can give your life purpose .I dont know about that why no just live , live for someone, dying for someone can be noble cause , you might be saving thousnads but living for yourself , i dont know how to put i dont have words for it , maybe truth is i just cant describe what i dont know. Again i just dont know what make me feel sad , maybe just eh scenes how they depicted the seppuku scene (which didnt happend) or how they depicted her absense after her death in anjin life annd in the world we have came to known , perhaps i am just sad becuae of that . I dont know what would i chang to make me less sad - make mariko live . sometimes dying for right cause seems good way to go , sometimes living for yourself or the other person seems correct way.

When I think i have accepted death and i dont fear it , after shows like this i make me vulnerable to death again , my fear strikes again , that all this is meant to be for nothing . All this suffering daily is making me the man i am. i am not sure if this feeling is ever going to end if even after ending if i would be happy . But i am still fighting i still do my wanikani alhough i have missed doing anki a lot , i read programming books . I love doing them but times likes this strips me away of that love and leaves nothing behind. Do i want this suffering to continue - no Do i want eternal happiness - no It alwyas seems like i have figure out what i want with thsi life and i am even accept the end after i get it . but times like this it all changes all the eighthfold fence falls and a vulnerable heart is exposed. it takes time again to build the fence. But just like japan where houses go down and are build in blip , my fence also gets built again. At this point i am not sure if i am the builder or even in control of this builder. I forget everything and start grinding again .

Loneliness

after Mariko dies , in the last episodes we are made her absense felt present. Anjin learned almost everything through her , they was the bridge between this new world and the him , but now no ones is with him . Mariko died for her purpose , Fuji left him to become nun , his own country men despise him and he dont feel connected to them. He cant go to england beccuse toranaga wont let him and neither he would be fit in england anymore ,he even lost his original purpose which was his hate towards portugess christians beliefs .He tried taking his life but toranaga stopped him and give him purpose/orders. Theres nothing now just toranaga’s hollow purpose, In the end its shown he connects with other people but idk man losing major life and having strenght of forgetting it and building it away , i dont think i have strenght atleast no now. IN the end while saying one last good bye to fuji sama, they both share one last speical mometn of letting go the ashes of both of their beloved ones . Fuji lets go of the ashes of her husnad and her kid , and Anji lets go of Mariko’s cross , only thing he had from her . I dont know how people move on , i dnt have enough strenght to move on . but sometimes you dont need to move you just need to let go and stand and times take its turn , it would do everything for you . AND I HATE IT , i dont like forgetting and i like time dilluting hte feelings whether be it love or hate , i have lost evryting to time and i am gonna lost this moment as well . only thing that i can do it write it down. even in which i am failing

This is my cry to void , just like Fuji and anji let go of their beloved ones in the ocean , would i be able to let go of this precious moment by writing this .

IDK its going to be hard i am stopping now. I hate it i think i need therapist or psychaterist now . how long how long