I just finished wathing 10 episodes of your lie in april and i felt rollercoaters of sad emotions watching through these 10 episodes,

i dont remember my child hood it was nothing special no desires no goals no aspirations

but now that i have grown i do have them seems like its too late , i am old not and society expects something different than me , time is not waiting for me , i dont what to do with this feeling i think i can never escape from this feeling , time is moving so fast this life seems just like a day its gonna end soon , things would happen and i would forget and in blick of a eye it would end , sure maybe i would i be able to manage to do some things but not all, this world would never be the same as i can imagine , as other have imagined and put expressed from their story i am not sure if authors of these story felt the same and this made this shows so express their feeling , but i do feel that way by watching thier creations, i would be so great if there was a way to actually alter you life make the life around you how you want , sure i am working hard to make such things happens , but you know there are some things that just cant be changed and at least for now , its impossible to go back in time , its impossible to change the past, its impossible to go in future , its impossible to change the majority of society at you will, many things that you cant control, what should i do with all this thought should i just give up , and try to erase it, or i dont think theres anything else that i can do.

i feel like i am child in body of grown man, i cry so easily , i just cried in one these episodes where kaori asks arima where he has started playing again and i just busted, that hit me , i have given up on guitar , on music atleast for a while since i dont have enough time and i that line hit like a truck .

i am such a stupid person , i dont feel like anything in this world can make me satisfied , because the things that i dream of are out of this world. such a stupid problem with no solution , i have turned into something so different from everyone else that its getting difficult being around people.

How does this end. I feel like the art is the most precious thing humans can create which can tell things which cant be written or spoken with words , if i have to leave something behind maybe i would like to leave something like that behind me.

I want my life to be like a movie/ show. It has direction, it has music , it had meaning . My life doesn’t have any of those , I am trying to meaning to my life but unfortunately this life is played on a stage which others share and they don’ want the same meaning that i want , they don’t agree with the same direction as i want . I do i make a movie out of this like that i like when its filled with actors who wont listen to me?

music - https://youtu.be/jzA36xMncfo?si=XXDne2Gm-0HcsQA5

PS i love masaru yokoyama’s music so much i cant write in words ,i dont what to say, nothing i say can help me express what i am feeling

i like the above music so much . how do you even begin to compose such music ,i am crying , especially the end . i wonder if i would ever be able to create something that can reach my heart

UPDATE : same day night , i am extrmenly sad not because of show but the music and and some ideas int he show, its not like something bad has happened in the show , rather its highlighting pain in my life and forcing me to rememeber things i could’nt do in past and not able to do in current reality as well

and the above mentioned song is so good as well and the scene it played me is making me cry again and again to the point my eyes are blurry now

Kaori asks to arima when she is hospital after their performace - “Have you been playing piano”

and i busted in tears , with the music and especially with the shot aimed at the audience it felt like i was asked that question and it hurt a lot.

I dont know , i just started this anime for japanese immersion practise but i am exremenly sad now and lost all motivation to do anything , i hate this feeling and yet i cant stop myself to listen to this song. i am feeling like i want to write more , keep on writing but i dont have words without repeating myself the unique experiences , the event full childhood , the opportunity to be able to learn instrument during school , the cherry blossoms , i want it all but i cant have it i cant revert back time . I want my life to be like a movie , beautiful and sad with meaning but its monochrome and pathetic

i also want my like to be colorful This will too fade away like all my past memories