I just finished the season 1 of Dispatch (God i hope there is another season because i cant) and yeah did not expected to feel this way, especially i didnt not even knew anything about this game . It was so fun , i havent had this much fun in a while lately. Lot of fun emotions some heavy emotions as well.

It is telltale type game where its like an animated show with choices where you can select the dialogue and actions . The characters are so well writtern every character is so lovable and fun to watch . The protagonist robert , mandy, all the Z team.

It releases two episodes weekly, It ended today, last 2 episodes were released and yeah it was soo good that i am feeling the post series void right know , I was on a very good productivity run but it has today nah nah , i was just immersed in this world today. I was not in this world rather somewhere which is not real.

It evoked emotions within me. lot of it were fun and laughter and theres this one emotion that i can get rid of. I don’t know what it is but i would try to note it down just so i dont forget it. So there’s this character in the game, one of out protagonist’s love interest that you can choose. Mandy or blonde blazer and here character is so positive and supportive , always supporting Robert through his tough times. Being there for him always . Lot of players dont like her for some reason , they thought she had some alternative motive from the beginning . They were accusing her because she was just nice. Well she is nice but she is not perfect , she has her insecurities with being mandy and blonde blazer and the mandy side of her (the non superhero side of her) is kinda lonely ig and not much cared about by people. She was normal life. Blonde blazer is like super girl very powerful and kinda like leader , but she also relies a lot on others to make decisions maybe she is not that confident in the regard.

Our guy is mecha man , who has retired , he is kinda like iron man , no powers , but operated a suite. Any one in the first meeting itself she maybe falls for him , or maybe before that only she had admiration for him, which can be observed by her dialouges like

“I’m just a corporate superhero , you are the real deal”

I think it was because robert is something she wanna be , normal , he represents her dreams of leading a normal life and settling down. I also liked on when i saw her , the first reason would be because she is just hot blonde, yeah years of superhero comics and films have trained me to like strong female hot characters.

But as we play more and more , we get to see she is really a nice person , she is always there for him when he needs someone. In the first episode itself she kinda saves him after he retired she says she gives him a new job and promises to repair his suit. Even in the routes we are not romancing her , when we reject her in game she still supports him .
for example - When his father figure/ brother almost died and was hospitalized , she was the one with him in hospital. in the end she gave chase her amulet which is source of her powers , which allowed him to live more , without that she is just a normal person.

Anyway this was just about the game. but seeing it triggered that part of my brain where , i leave all my ambitions and just settle for normal life . But to be honest its not gonna be like that. The world is not that interesting . And making others forcefully play role in my fantasy (which one parts of me want , not all) is cruel and not fair. Relationship is difficult . My relationship with my parents is already not good. I dont even know how to explain ,its complicated, but its something related to this only, I am a stupid kid who wished time to stop few years ago and it didn’t , i wished the world to be different but it isnt , i wished for a different reality , not one but many , not infinite but more than 1 but thats far from the reality.

I want to do lot of things ,doing all of those are not possible, hell even some of them are just not possible realistically , i just feel this world is boring, you can create you meaning here but theres lot of meaning less stuff here as well. I want lot of stuff but none of them is money, I am not rich but nor i want to spend my lifetime earning money. yeah i want money to not care about it. but idk.

its just that one part of me today wanted someone like mandy and leave everything aside , I know but in real world it doesnt play out like that , everyone is there own person , making them act exactly how you want , making them play the role you want is not good and nor does it work out. And i am just day dreaming , and when i am dreaming i only thing about he good moments , not he bad ones, not the tough ones .

Maybe what i would like to do is play a part in game , play a protagonist in several games , playing side character in some other games, heck even play npc in some. i want to experience several life and meaning full ones . with skipping all the non meaning full stuff because you are not gonna remember that any way , like tell me how many memories do you have of yourself taking poop in the bathroom. You do that hundreds of time a year thousand in you life time , you are gonna spend majority of time in thing that dont matter but still you are gonna do that you need to do that you are forced to do that.

But i cant have this scene where i am seating here with the billboard in the night , cold chilly breeze with nice emotionally deep music playing in the background.

(several hours have passed…,) Its 1 .30 am right now, just got over a meeting, i am working like crazy i can work like crazy person , i can die working for my goals, but when the goals are impossible , i dont know what to do, give up? try to change my mindset , or try to forget it. I would forget it even if i did not do anything. Writing all this is way for me to remember , that i felt something today. This is the moment that i want to remember and i should.

I right am not really on a good mindset , this occurs to me several time , occured to me after playing signalis as well. man i have somehow managed to distance myself away from signalis as much as i can to ease the pain. But dipatch has bought it again , pain of wanting something unachievable. I have real goals also , for that i am working , for now , existence is working for me, working for those goals.I dream of normal life , sure but even those normal life are not that normal. My fault of consuming too much fiction that i somehow became a stranger in this reality and feels more home in these fictions.

I need to sleep , i need to go to gym tomorrow. For who ? for me, to stay alive atleast till i can achieve my goals , atleast ones that are possible. I want to keep on talking but i got nothing to say more , idk why i am still typing but yeah for some reason i dont wanna leave , i dont wanna sleep now , sleep is one of the massive time black hole , you put 1/3rd of you life in that blackhole with nothing, 1/3rd wtf is this some curse, the only most valubale thing in life and you HAVE to put 1/3rd no matter what, why isnt humanity trying to figure this shit out. They are way too fucking busy playing the game of money, and whatever , lot of things, that actually dont matter in the end. atleast for me .

Idk need to stop, is this because of i got lot of free time to think , yeah i do think a lot, sometimes i wish to not think but then , all this fiction is emerges from thinking, it would take away the most important thing from me .

(Several days later …)

its sunday today, around 3-4 days later, i had been meaning to write more in this post ever since last time because i had some conclusions that i came across .

I have had this feeling earlier as well , not once but twice .. at least which i remember in the recent memory 1st was one when i had rewatached the blade runner 2049 , and the next time was when i had finished playing signalis. Now you may already know about my signalis phase i have talked very extensively about it in here . But you might know that when i created this website i was going through my blade runner phase . Now when it happened with me again this third time , i noticed some similarities and have tried to come to some conclusions.

The common thing in all three things was love , one that kind which feels so perfect that i feels wrong, like sometimes it feels like the entire existence of the other person is just for there partner, there arent no conflicts , just pure love , passion. In Bladerunner 2049 it was love between K and Joi , two non humans, in there Joi has shown nothing but love for K, love in sense support , care, attention. like you matter. In Signalis , it was Ariane and Elster, one human and one bio engineered robot , a replika , The entire game itself is finding out partner and fulfilling one last promise. That game is also full of just pure love , there is no flaw shown in here between there love. In Dispatch , its between Rober and Mandy/Blonde Blazer , although this time both humans , not much was shown of there love since it is a choice based game and lot of people didnt really picked Mandy and the devs also did not had much but… wait i have already told about this game in the beginning of the post , i was gonna repeat myself lol.

Although i do think music is really a big contribution in all of this, without music i am not sure if i would be able to experience emotions. But i think this is the common thing dreaming of such kind of partner but then also knowing the fact that something like that doesn’t really exists in real life, and isn’t even good for the other person to force them to play a role in my fantasy, i think that brings the sadness, not being able to experience something which is not really possible. its not just with love with human being but also lot of other things that make me sad. But i think with dispatch that is the case as i mentioned that scene in ep 7. In a case thats fiction, the unreality, and longing for fiction is real life is kinda strange.

Conclusion - no real conclusion has been reached , i hate this feeling but if that means not being able to experience those fiction , i can keep suffering from this feeling .

apart from the robert x mandy this game overall was so fun , i cant remember i had this much fun, it was light hearted yet serious at some points and all the characters and all the cast was so interesting to watch. And engaging with the community was so fun since the episodes where releasing weekly. I hope we get a season 2 , because if feels incorrect to leave such well developed cast on table.

(several more days laterm, 18-11-25)

I would like to share the music from this billboard scene which some person helped me find in the comments, which if i havent already emphasized enough then let me tell you again - I love it.

Its called Walkies by antimo and welles The sadness has sure died down a bit, which is not a suprise . I dont know what to say more. Maybe i should start living in real life more than fiction.

I am not drunk enough to share you my origin story yet , but remind me to tell you someday

I would be waiting for that day. probably to tell my story or listen to someone’s story.